BESWC

NeoTokyo GSDF

That is all.

http://pastebin.com/qUgNUim8

If this ISN’T a satirical article then what the fuck.

If it is then well played my balls are severely damaged and my rump has been roasted.

I can’t fucking believe how retarded this is.

1. If the game you’re about to play has a numbered sequel, play the sequel. Unlike movies, the first one usually isn’t the best.

Shut the fuck up, you retard. You actual, factual retard. I can’t believe this is in the list, let alone in the number one spot. Reading that sentence actually makes me wretch. How stupid do you have to be to think that this is a good idea in any type of game beyond Racing or sports? Why in the name of fuck would you jump into a game later than the first increment? Why? I’ve talked about this before but I just don’t give a fuck. This is the maximum amount of retardation I think it’s possible to contain.

2. Keep a dulled fish filet knife near your gaming area. It makes opening shrinkwrapped game cases and the obnoxious DVD box seal on modern video game boxes so much easier.

I stand corrected. How much of a ham-fisted mouth-breather do you have to be to have to keep a knife with you to break the seals of games?

3. Don’t read the instruction manual. The best games explain themselves.

This was obviously written by someone who’s under the age of 15. Anyone who’s been playing games for around the same amount of time as me or from a similar age will have fond memories of being in the back of the car and reading through the manual. Game manuals back in the day were filled with art and backstory, and often a run-through of the controls. Reading manuals like this meant that you didn’t have to choke down a 30 minute unskippable tutorial every time you turned on the game. It also meant we didn’t get on-screen prompts to remind us to do inane shit like reload or duck. Listen, I’m not saying that the best games don’t explain themselves, I’m simply saying that “Don’t read the instruction manual” is fucking stupid. Seriously fucking stupid.

4. ALWAYS invert the Y axis. (No, don’t!) (Yes, do!) Maybe consider inverting the Y axis.

How about you invert my dick, morons.

5. Turn the lights off for horror games.

And stab myself with that knife, right? I’m joking. But this is massively obvious. This just in: Dark = scary

6. In sports, unless you have played this game—in video game form—for two or three years already, just set the difficulty to rookie. You’ll learn faster and have more fun.

“If you aren’t good at a game lower the difficulty” Thanks, Kotaku! I thought I would be a professional from the instance I began videogames.

7. Don’t be afraid to play on “Easy”; games are for fun, not self-flagellation.

See above. P.S. That’s exactly what many people find enjoyable about a fuck-tonne of games and to flat out say that they aren’t is stupid. These people (myself included) love the fact that games can include incredibly difficult challenges.

8. If a game is condescending towards you for playing it on easy, turn it off and return it.

Aww, little tiny baby can’t handle the game? Aww… nevermind, I’m sure if you go onto pussy-faggot-girl mode you can handle it, we’ve even included a few flowers for you so you don’t get sad. Grow the fuck up. If you can’t handle a game calling you out on being shit maybe you need to get your priorities straight. If you’re playing on easy surely you’re already aware that you’re not very good, why can’t you handle that? If you don’t like it get better.

9. Don’t be a masochist; crank the in-game brightness setting so you can actually see that the logo/icon without straining.

“Make sure you can see” Thanks, Kotaku.

10. If you can, play the game on PC.

I agree with this for some games.

And later on…

1. If you find yourself frustrated with a particular boss or action section, mute the sound and focus on the action on-screen.

Are you actually fucking kidding me? These gorms do realise that sound is an important aspect of videogames, right? The amount of games that contain audio-cues or hints is staggering, muting the sound more often than not will hinder you.

1. When playing games online, don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in front of your mom.

After much research, it turns out that I actually don’t live in front of my mother. Or anywhere even close to her, infact. So whether I would or wouldn’t say something infront of her is moot when I’m fragging someone over the internet, isn’t it? If I’m playing a game rated 18 you can bet your ass I’ll be speaking rated 18. Even if it isn’t, actually. Welcome to the internet, you pussy.

2. Mute anyone who didn’t take the preceding advice.

Yeah, mute your own team. That’s good advice. Note that they haven’t said “Mute anyone who’s being rude or offensive to you”. They’ve implied that you should mute people who swear liberally. Games like Gears of War swear all the time, if you can’t handle Mike from Dakota mumbling “mmmhnnhnggh get some fag” then maybe you should just unplug your headset entirely or only play with your friends. A better piece of advice for muting would be “Mute anyone who’s useless or pisses you off.”

Holy fucking dicks I am a seething ball of rage.

These guys have the same voice actor. What the fuck.

The past three days I’ve been doing some streams. It’s been good fun. I’m mostly streaming Cry of Fear at the minute, but last night I streamed some DOTA 2. Bot games only. Fuck solo queue.

This is the link to my stream

http://www.livestream.com/deathfist

I tend to stream late at night. Usually midnight onwards. I hope to see you there.

This post is all about me and why I’m so great. There is much documentation about myself and why I’m so great, but I decided that my lucky readers deserved to have some more.

Holy shit, I’m so great. It’s hard for me to actually sit back and take stock of my own brilliance. Oh wait, no it’s not because I’m the best at everything I’ve ever done or thought about doing. Nothing is difficult for me. Perhaps if you, dear reader, were even one iota as great as I am perhaps you could start to understand.

Look at the evidence:

Here, we can see a direct correlation between being me and being great. The more like me you are, the greater you are.

The other day I was walking down the street and this inconsiderate bitch nudged into me slightly. She instantly started crying. I figured she’d shattered her bones on one of my diamond-hard muscles, but it turns out she was over-come with joy, sexual desire and fear. I disregarded her as quickly as humanly possible because these bitches are a dime a dozen. As I strode away like a proud lion, she started screaming because she couldn’t live without me. My local fan club had to restrain her using their matching scarves.

I keep getting mail from various football clubs not only begging for me to join their teams at any wage I want, but also telling me that I’m being awarded MVP every single game. I’m starting to run out of room in my hallway of achievements because it’s so full of honourary degrees and medals. I had to physically bend the laws of reality and make the hallway longer, and obviously won a medal for it.

At my recent visit to the Olympics I lit the Olympic torch using my flamebreath. I went on to win every single event for the men and the women with all world records broken.

If that’s the fucking Space Jockey I swear to god…